Baby Video: I'm Walkin'

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Baby Video: She's coming right for us!

Baby Video: She's coming right for us!

[kml_flashembed movie="http://www.youtube.com/v/bX81ZC5S6HM" width="425" height="355"/]

News: I upgraded

Not that anyone could tell, but I upgraded my blog software to a later version. Actually, for that matter, I can’t even tell. It went completely smoothly. How often does that happen? In fact, this is the first time I changed anything on the site and didn’t need to reinstall or otherwise adjust the gallery software. Yea, me!

Random Thoughts: When can I retire?

I really want to not have to work. Some people say that they will keep working after they retire. I say, "Not me!" I would love it if I could wake up in the morning, go for a run, eat breakfast, work on the house, work in the garden, work on my car, go sailing, travel around places near and far, go to the beach, go to a movie in the middle of the day, etc., etc., etc. How could you not keep busy? If I have any wealthy readers who want to put a couple million in an account with the interest going to me, that would be much appreciated. If you're willing, let me know. We can get together, hang out, I'll buy us a couple beers and we can discuss the specifics. Looking forward to hearing from you. Thanks.

Random Thoughts: Are all my thoughts random?

I should probably just drop the "Random Thoughts" category of post. All I ever post is photos, entertainment news, the aforementioned random thoughts, and, most recently, my pirate story. I suppose it's good to categorize.

Anyway, the baby seems to be getting over her high fever. It's weird that she would have such a happy disposition even when she was a raging inferno of baby. I wonder what it will be like when she really gets sick. I know babies get sick, but I just want her to be eternally healthy. Damn it, where are the cures for all disease?!?

OK, really, I don't want the cures for all diseases for everyone. I know I have met/seen more than a few people who would serve the human race if they were rendered incapacitated or infirmed by some illness. I'm not saying that I want people dead. I just think that there are a number of people out there that do far more harm than good.

Story: A Pirate Secret by Bill Gauch

I.

Returning back to the days of pirates seems a long way to go for a secret. That would be true in the event of most secrets, but this one involves a modest fortune. Simon Archibald Ring, a pirate quartermaster of little note decided to settle down with his plundered earnings after a near miss of some grapeshot. The sum of his fortune was $26,847 worth of gold and silver. While this was a sizable amount in the days of pirates, today it wouldn't buy you a moldy shack. To the young Simon Archibald Ring IX, it was the adventure and mystery that was important.

It seemed, from his research for his class projects that Simon was related to a pirate. While this drew cheers and praise from his 5th grade classmates, it generated frowns from the teacher who was expecting farmers or, at best, a king. Simon was used to teachers giving him frowns. It's not that he was a bad student, grade-wise. Quite the opposite, he excelled at all he attempted without effort. Often, he would call his teachers to task for leaving out a critical point of an answer, thereby earning himself an afternoon detention clapping out erasers and washing the chalkboards.

On this particular occurrence, Simon would have been completely safe. It was, after all, a class project. In this instance, it seems that the teacher felt that getting a classmate to "run him through", revealing the spray of fake blood and a wound created from leftover Halloween makeup went a little too far.

For his part, Simon's accomplice got an afternoon's detention. Simon's punishment, he was sure, would be much worse. After school he sat outside the office waiting for his father, the principal and his teacher to decide his fate. If he was lucky he would get detention for the next 4 months. If he was unlucky, he would get suspended or expelled. The door opened. It seemed like his fate was decided and it didn't look good.

II.

Simon was sure he was done for. His father didn't seem angry. He hadn't heard any yelling from behind the closed door. Unfortunately, to Simon's 5th-grade mind, that could only mean 1 thing... They had been plotting, no conspiring to serve him a fate far worse than detention. He was certain there would be no eraser clapping in his future. He only hoped that he would get a last meal.

After what seemed an eternity, his principal spoke. "We have decided that, as punishment for your little 'performance' this afternoon, you shall take your assignment to the next level. In addition to all your regular studies, you will research your pirate ancestor to find out what happened to his fortune. This is not optional. You will do it or you will be expelled."

It had happened. It was worse than he could ever imagine. It was unspeakable. It was... homework. Doing the initial assignment had been easy. He had talked to his grandfather one Saturday afternoon. Almost all he had written was word for word what was told to him. For this assignment, it required more. He would be lucky to see the light of day for the rest of the year. Even worse, he would have to present his report to the entire school on the last day of classes or stand in front of them during the announcement to his classmates that he would not be returning next year. He wasn't sure which was worse... The hard work or the embarrassment.

He decided that it would be best to start at the same place he started (and finished) his initial report. He decided that he would ask his grandfather when he went to his grandfather's house for his monthly visit. In a slight unusual occurrence, his mother drove him to his grandfather's house. It may not be unusual in most families, but even at this young age, he could tell that his mother didn't like his grandfather. Grandpa Ring (Simon the VII) didn't think that Simon's mother was "good enough" for Simon's father, whatever that meant. To Simon, it just added another degree of discomfort to this assignment. To make matters worse, his mother made him wait in the car while she went in to talk to Grandpa Ring. After exiting the front door, she snapped at Simon, "You can go in now. And, BE GOOD!"

III.

Grandpa Ring's house was a typical "old man" house. There was a smelly old recliner in the corner facing the TV with the remote resting on the armrest. He had stacks of magazines on the coffee table left for any guests to thumb through as if they were at the dentist's office. Simon never really thought about what his grandpa did aside from the Saturdays they spent together. If he had, given his 5th grade brain, he probably would have thought that grandpa just sat, staring at the TV until Simon's next monthly visit. All of this wouldn't matter at all today, except for the unfortunate fact that Grandpa had friends arriving in an hour. Instead of getting his grandfather to tell him exactly what happened to the treasure, he had to help slice cheese and spread out crackers and fruit on a tray while Grandpa Ring cleaned the bathroom at the other end of the house.

As soon as the hors d'ouvres were prepared and his grandfather emerged from the bathroom, Simon started to ask about his pirate ancestor. At that exact moment, the doorbell rang and in walked the guests. Simon was overwhelmed by the number of people who arrived and interfered with him getting an answer to his question. Almost as soon as the pleasantries were over, Simon was being poked and prodded with fingers and questions.

"Is this your grandson? He's a bit thin. Sy, get the boy a sandwich."

"What a charming looking boy, even if he does need a haircut."

"I hear you're a trouble-maker in school, boy. We wouldn't have tolerated that kind of nonsense when I was teaching!"

Before Simon could respond to any of these comments, he was shuffled out the door into the backyard to "work off some of that energy that made him so spirited." As the back door shut in Simon's face, he was left alone and annoyed.

He proceeded to walk around the yard picking up rocks and throwing them or poking at bugs with sticks. After a while he began to get bored. He found a nice comfy shaded spot under a kitchen window. He hadn't meant to eavesdrop. He had been taught well enough to know that was rude. It was just that they were talking loud enough about something that Simon could not ignore. They were talking about pirate treasure.

IV.

Simon listened intently at the window, straining his neck trying to get it as close to the window as possible. Still, he could only hear parts of the quite conversation as they went. At this point, he had completely thrown manners and caution to the wind as his curiosity overwhelmed him. He was now peering directly into the kitchen watching the shadows move on the living room wall.

He could hear better now. They seemed to have concluded the discussion about the treasure and were discussing some sort of "order." They still seemed to be talking about pirate things, but they didn't make sense. The things they were discussing didn't have anything to do with The Pirate Simon.

As Simon stood there staring through the open window, he wandered off into his own thoughts. What did these people know about the treasure? Why were they so interested in pirates? Why couldn't he be inside so he could ask them questions?

Just then, a twig snapped behind Simon. As he spun around, to his horror, he saw a pirate. It wasn't one of those theme park pirates. It was a real honest to goodness pirate. As he was about to scream, the pirate grabbed him and covered his mouth. As Simon kicked and struggled, he kept thinking that he must be asleep and dreaming. Why wouldn't he wake up? Wake up! Please, wake up...

V.

Simon struggled and kicked and struggled some more until, finally, he broke free. He started to yell for his grandfather. At that point, the back door flew open and a dozen more pirates appeared.

Simon started to run and scream loudly for help. He made it as far as the side yard before the first pirate caught him again. He tried to scream but a hand across his mouth quickly silenced him.

Simon was dragged, unceremoniously, back to the kitchen door and into the house. The head pirate motioned to the others to shut the windows. When they were done, Simon was released.

Simon turned to fight his captor. He raised his fists and yelled, "Who are you?!? What did you do to my grandpa?!? He'll kick your butt!!!"

The pirate looked at this small raging inferno and said, "That's very flattering, but I'm not about to kick my own butt."

As Simon looked up at the pirate, his jaw dropped open. He saw his grandfather removing a wig and eye patch. Simon looked around the room and saw the same thing happening with each pirate. His grandfather and his friends, it would seem, liked to dress up like pirates to scare little boys.

The room was silent. It seemed like an eternity passed as Simon processed what he had seen. Finally, his grandfather spoke, "Simon. Please sit down."

In an almost trance-like state, Simon walked over to the recliner. Unable to think of anything to say, he sat and waited for some sort of explanation.

Grandpa motioned to his friends to go into the kitchen. As they exited the room, Simon's grandfather started to talk again. "Simon," he said, "my friends and I are pirates."

Immediately, Simon blurted out, "But how..."

Ignoring his grandson's outburst, Grandpa continued, "More accurately, we are all descended from pirates. As I told you for your project, the original Simon Archibald Ring retired as a pirate. He settled down in this very town with his treasure in tow."

Simon interrupted again, "But Grandpa, you already told me this. Why are you and your friends dressed like pirates?"

Slightly more annoyed at this second interruption, Grandpa continued, "As I was saying, ", with a stern look that told Simon not to interrupt again, "your ancestor was a pirate. What I didn't tell you is that his shipmates became aware of the fine life he was leading and made their way here also. They each came with their own saved treasure and settled down. "

Simon was no less confused. Simon's state of confusion was quite obvious to Grandpa Ring, so he continued, "See, the problem with being a pirate with pirate gold is that someone will always want to take it from you. To try to prevent this, the retired pirates pooled their gold together in a safe hiding spot. It was agreed that they would wait until people didn't remember that they were former pirates anymore. To determine when it was safe, they would meet once per year and vote. That was the start of the Assembly Of Retired Pirates (AORP), of which we are all members."

As he was saying this, Grandpa's friends came back into the room. Simon took this opportunity to ask a question. "But, if they were only meeting to decide when it was safe to get the treasure, wouldn't they have stopped meeting?"

One of grandpa's friends, a short bald man with huge muscles and a dark tan spoke up with a distinct tone of anger in his voice, "They would have if someone hadn't stolen the treasure!"

Grandpa settled his friend back down and continued, "Yes, Simon, someone stole the treasure. The group decided it was safe and went to retrieve the fortune, but it was gone. Naturally, everyone first thought it was one of the members of the Assembly. It would have all ended there, except for the fact that our ancestor maintained order just as he did on the ship. He investigated and cleared each member of the crew. Going further with his search, he found the culprit. It was a man by the name of Martin Aaronson who was rich and powerful before he got the pirate gold. Now he was more of the first and, consequently, more of the second. Fortunately, for us, we were on to him. He fled town, but we chased him down. He made it as far as Montana before we caught him. Turns out he didn't have the treasure with him."

Simon looked troubled at this last statement. "What did he do with the gold?" Simon said.

"He hid it somewhere. He had the same thought that the pirates did about spending gold you didn't earn."

"Why didn't the pirates torture him to find out where the treasure was?"

"They did. Or, they tried to torture him. It turns out that he had a bad heart. When he saw 13 pirates approaching to torture him, he clutched his chest, gasped, and collapsed."

"Dead?"

"Dead. On the spot."

"So the treasure was lost?"

"Well, not exactly. He made a map."

"A map?" Simon continued to mimic like a parrot.

"Yes, Simon. They made a map. Oh pirates didn't know it at first. Initially, they assumed he had left it at home. After several searches, they did what pirates do. They found his wife and tortured her. They tortured his friends. The only one they didn't think to torture was the one who they should have tortured just for fun. They didn't torture his lawyer. After some time had passed and they became rational again, Pirate Simon figured out that the location of the treasure would have been revealed in his will or else it was lost for good. The AORP went to his lawyer with the intention of torturing him. It turned out, they didn't need to do it. The lawyer freely offered the information the pirates were after. Everything the Aaronson had owned went to his wife except for one thing. The family bible went to his only cousin on his father's side. The pirates knew the map must have been hidden in there. Unfortunately, the trail went cold. The cousin was an adventurer, never in the same place for any period of time. The pirates had no hope of finding the map or the gold to which it led. They decided to continue the Assembly, waiting, searching and hoping that they would one day find their treasure."

Simon sat quietly, thinking about everything. He wondered if his teacher would accept that the treasure was gone forever. Maybe he could say that the cousin lost the bible in some remote country. Then again, he never did like lies. Anytime he told lies, the truth came out and he was punished more severely because of the lie. With all these thoughts in his head, he asked his grandfather, "So did the pirates find out what happened to the bible?"

"No," said his grandfather, "they kept meeting. When they got old, they would tell their oldest child, who would then join the AORP. That is how it continues to this day. We are the last Assembly. We're all getting too old to continue on much longer. Who knows... maybe the book will turn up somewhere, sometime before we each die."

With that, Simon's grandfather announced that the meeting was adjourned. The members of the AORP changed their clothes and left the house. Simon and his grandfather didn't talk much for the rest of the afternoon. They finished out the time in the garden pulling weeds until Simon's mother came to pick him up.

VI.

Time passed, as time does. Simon got so busy with schoolwork and chores, that he put the events of that Saturday out of his mind. Right now, he wasn't even able to properly focus on eating breakfast. He was being poked and prodded by his mother and his aunt. His aunt was a seamstress and was making alterations for a suit for him for his parent's upcoming 25th wedding anniversary. They were making such a big deal because they were going to have a second wedding to renew their vows. Someone convinced his mother that they should do it so that he, Simon, could see what a wedding was like.

To Simon, all that meant was that every time he tried to take a bite of cereal, he found a different part of him being measured or pinned up. It was his Saturday to spend with his grandfather again, but he didn't even get that reprieve. Because of all the preparations, Simon's grandfather was going to spend the day at Simon's house.

When Simon finally got out of the kitchen he found that his father was in the living room talking to his uncle, who had registered as an internet priest so that he could officiate the wedding. They were flipping through a bible while talking quietly.

Simon didn't really like his aunt and uncle. They were always treating him like he was something they scraped off their shoes. Simon had never noticed it before, but they also seemed to be treating his father that way too. As they were looking for the passages that were read at the Simon's parents first wedding, Simon's uncle kept saying things like, "This shouldn't be that hard for you to remember," and, "I bet my sister didn't forget this stuff. She was always smart." As Simon watched, he couldn't help but feel sorry for his father. He knew exactly how it felt to be treated like that.

As Simon's mother and aunt came into the living room, Simon's father exclaimed, "I found it!"

Simon's uncle grabbed the book from his brother-in-law's hand and said, "Finally. Now we can go through this thing."

"This 'thing'?" Simon's mother said with a look of distaste on her face. "This 'thing' is my wedding."

"Yes... Well... Err..." said Simon's uncle with a strong look of discomfort, "Yes, let's run through the full wedding ceremony."

If Simon thought his day had been frustrating and boring before, he must not know the meanings of those words. Simon's uncle was slow and drawn out in his talking, accentuating every syllable. It almost seemed like he felt like he was better than everyone else. What was worse, Simon had to endure the readings from his aunt as well as the sermon that his uncle had put together, as if he really was a priest.

Simon endured more than forty minutes of this, having almost fallen asleep twice. After that part was over, his uncle called him to the fireplace where everyone was standing. It was finally time to get to the real ceremony part. Simon had the rings in his pocket and knew exactly what to do. His mother had made sure of that by forcing him practice. He had to stand a certain way, move a certain way, and even carefully hand off the rings to each of his parents in a certain way. Even with all this practice, Simon's uncle still felt the need to say, "Don't screw up 'boy'. This is my sister's special day."

That was too much for Simon. He gave an evil look to his uncle and said, "I'm not going to screw up. And don't call me boy!"

His mother looked furious and shouted at him, "Simon! Apologize! And then shut you mouth!"

Simon, still looking annoyed, looked at his uncle and said, "I'm sorry." and then he grit his teeth to make himself keep quiet.

Simon's uncle, looking quite pleased with himself, continued on with the ceremony. "Do you, Simon Archibald Ring the Eighth, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

"I do." answered Simon's father.

Simon's uncle continued, "And, do you, Martha Emily Aaronson, take this man to be your husband?"

At the mention of the name, 'Aaronson', Simon remembered every detail of that conversation with his grandfather. At first, he was so confused that he didn't know who his uncle was talking about. After a second, he realized that his uncle must be talking about his mother. He had never known mother's maiden name because he always just called her 'Mom'.

Simon didn't realize what he was doing. Everyone else, on the other hand, realized that he was just standing there for several seconds. Then, they watched him drop the ring under the couch. After another second, Simon looked up at his uncle and his mother and said, "Your relatives stole the treasure from the pirates!"

The room went silent for a second. It was hard to tell who was more furious, Simon's uncle or his mother. His uncle, slamming the bible closed, was the first to yell, "How dare you accuse my ancestors of something like that! You and your filthy pirate relatives didn't even deserve to shine my forefathers' shoes!"

Simon's mother, having had a few seconds to build her anger, yelled, "Simon Archibald Ring the Ninth! What were you thinking? How dare you talk to your elders like that?" Looking at Simon's father, she said, "I told your father NOT to fill your son's head with all these stupid stories. I knew we never should have let him go over there alone after his presentation at school!" "Simon!" looking back at her son, "Go to your room and don't come out until I call you!"

Looking dejected, Simon started to walk past his parents and his aunt and uncle. As he did so, he happened to notice the bible. The book was ancient looking. Embossed on the cover, was the writing, "Holy Bible," with smaller writing that read, "Aaronson Family Bible." Simon's brain lit up like a firecracker. It was all Simon could do to keep from yelling out again in shock and amazement. He had found it. He found the Aaronson Family Bible. Somewhere inside must be the map to the pirate treasure. He had to tell his grandfather.

At that thought, the sinking feeling came over Simon. His grandfather. Would he ever get to see his grandfather alone again? He was supposed to see his grandfather that afternoon. Would they let him? Simon, with his head full of these questions, walked up the stairs to his bedroom.

VII.

Simon stayed in his room for most of morning. Just after lunch, he heard his grandfather arrive. It was hard to miss 'hearing' his grandfather's arrival. It involved lots of yelling between Simon's mother and his grandfather. Apparently, his mother had told his grandfather not to tell him any more nonsense about pirates. It also let Simon understand a lot of the tension that existed between his grandfather and mother over the years. As he overheard, Simon's grandfather said that being a pirate was Simon's birthright and that she had turned his son, Simon's father, away from the Assembly.

After a very short period of very intense yelling, Simon heard his mother say, "You'll never see your grandson alone again!" followed by two doors slamming, followed by silence. After a few minutes, Simon heard a door open and close again. Then, a few minutes later, another door open and close, and then another door open and close. After ten more minutes, another door opened and closed and then Simon heard footsteps coming up the stairs.

He expected the worst. He had even started crying at the thought of never getting to spend a Saturday afternoon with his grandfather again. The door to his room opened and Simon was overjoyed to see his grandfather looking in at him.

Simon instantly broke into a smile, got up off his bed and hugged his grandfather. "I though I would never see you again. How did you change her mind?" said Simon.

Grandpa Ring started, "I didn't. Your father did. Even though he didn't have the sense not to marry that evil woman..."

"Don't call her evil! She's my mother. I know you don't like her because she took my dad away from your pirate group, but she is still my mother and I love her!" Simon exclaimed.

Looking quite ashamed of himself, Simon's grandfather sighed and said, "I'm sorry. I really am sorry for all the trouble I've caused. I was brought up with the same stories I told you about the pirate adventures, and I guess I just get a little prejudiced her because of her family. Of course, my son saw past it all to marry her and then they had you. I'm just glad that I will still get to spend time with you."

"I always like spending time with you, Grandpa." said Simon.

Simon's grandfather looked happier at this response from his only grandson. He said, "I shouldn't have told you about the pirates. Your mother is probably right. There probably wasn't any treasure. I really don't know why we even still have the AORP. I was the only one who had a child with any interest in the Assembly, but when he got married, the came to an end. Once we are gone, the AORP will be gone. It's not like it really matters anyway. I'm sure the map, if there ever was a map, is long since gone."

At this, Simon's memory sparked to life, "But Grandpa! The map! I mean, the book, err... Bible. The Aaronson Family Bible. Uncle Martin has it!"

"What?!? Do you know what that means?" exclaimed Grandpa.

Simon nodded his head in agreement.

Simon's grandfather said, "We need to get that bible. Tomorrow, at the wedding, I will make sure all the pirates are here waiting outside. You and I will steal the bible and then run outside. Then we will use the map to go after the treasure."

Simon's door burst open. "You will do no such thing!" said Simon's mother. "I knew I shouldn't trust you alone with my son! Tomorrow will be a quiet peaceful ceremony and you will not be invited. I have tried to be civil for the sake of this family, but you leave me no options. Get out of my house and don't come back!"

"Fine!" responded Grandpa Ring and he walked out the door slamming it behind him. As he walked out, he turned his head sideways and gave Simon a wink.

Simon knew his grandfather and the pirates would be waiting outside during the wedding. It was now up to him to get the bible and then they would get the treasure. Once they did that, the treasure would prove that his grandfather was right all along and his mother would forgive his grandfather and everything would be fine.

Simon awoke the next morning with an uneasy feeling in his stomach. He ate very little breakfast to keep himself from throwing up. His aunt and uncle were back. His uncle was being extremely mean to him. Simon couldn't help but feel that his mother had told his uncle the story. Maybe his grandfather was right about his mother. In any case, Simon found that it was completely impossible to get the book because his uncle never put it down. Despite its size and obvious weight, he was carrying it around everywhere. He even took it into the bathroom with him.

The early morning passed quickly with all the last minute preparations for the ceremony. Simon didn't have any opportunity to get the bible. The ceremony started, but this time, Simon didn't have any trouble staying awake. He was constantly watching and waiting for the moment when he could seize the book. The main part of the ceremony was starting and Simon saw his chance. The book lay open on the table where his aunt had read from it. His uncle and his parents were several feet from it.

As his uncle started to speak the vows, Simon dropped both rings. As his parents and uncle were distracted, Simon ran over and grabbed the bible. His uncle screamed a loud swear-word at him, but Simon was running for the door. As he threw the door open and ran through it, he heard his uncle yell, "You won't get it, Simon! You and those damn pirates will never see the gold. I will make sure you don't. And if any of you get in my way, I will make sure you pay dearly for it!"

Simon's father was worried and concerned for his son. He started to criticize his brother-in-law, but was cut off by his mother, "How dare you threaten my son?!? If you touch one hair on his head, I will make you pay. Now, get out of my house!"

Having never seen his wife stand up to any of her family members, Simon's father was impressed, but the excitement of the moment quickly faded. The reality of the scenario is that Simon had run off with a bunch of old want-to-be pirates to find some treasure that probably didn't exist and they had a mean, rich and powerful man coming after them. He promptly apologetically asked the guests to leave and then called the police. They promised to do whatever they could to find Simon and they would send an officer by to search the area to see if he might turn up at a friend's house. Simon's father knew they would not get much help from the law, so he told his wife they would have to take things into their own hands to find their son.

VII.

Simon was still catching his breath. He wasn't quite sure if it was from the running, carrying the large book or just the excitement of the whole thing. All the members of the Assembly were there in full pirate gear. His grandfather was hastily flipping through every page of the bible. Every page was just an ordinary page of a bible. They would have given up, but after what his uncle had threatened, Simon knew there had to be a map. Simon's grandfather handed the book off to each pirate in turn, to go back through the book. No one could find the map, but they each insisted on looking. It was futile. The only thing in the book, other than the pages of the bible, was the family tree.

Simon's grandfather handed the book back to Simon to hold and asked him to go sit in the back of the van while they discussed something. As the Assembly whispered amongst themselves, Simon looked at the tree. He saw his name and his father's name on it. It looked like someone, probably his uncle, had tried to smudge them out. He saw his uncle Martin next to his mother. As he followed the line back, he got to the original Martin Aaronson. He was the one who had stolen the treasure. He had started all this conflict. Simon's mother and grandfather hated each other because of it.

As Simon stared at the lines on the page, he saw the original Martin's second child. He followed the lines down to Martin Aaronson Jr., III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX, and X. Each one had only one child listed and no spouses. As Simon looked at Martin Aaronson X, he glanced over at his own name again. Then he noticed something. His uncle Martin was listed as Martin Aaronson II. Why would his parents name him the second Martin Aaronson, if there were ten of them already?

Lightning struck Simon's brain and he realized "X" marks the spot! He yelled, "I found it! I found the map!"

The van almost skidded off the road as all the AORP members looked up at him as he said, "It's right here. 'X' marks the spot. Martin Aaronson 'X.'"

All of the AORP members crowded around Simon and the book. They stared at it and stared at it and stared at it some more. Assuming "X" marked the spot, no one could see how you get to the finish or even start following the map. Suddenly, Simon saw it. Having studied the area geography in class the previous week, he noticed the line looked just like the small river that ran through town. The X must be alongside the river.

Simon said, "We need to go to the river. That's what this line represents. We can park where my dad and I go fishing sometimes."

The AORP member who was driving said, "We won't be able to make it through the river Sy. You're the only one who is in good enough condition. We'll drop you off and then drive out of town so that we draw off anyone looking for us."

Simon and his grandfather got out. Simon's grandfather grabbed a backpack and the bible. He handed a shovel to Simon. Following the river was easy. Finding the exact spot that the map referred to was a little more challenging. They got to the approximate spot where the treasure was supposed to be when Simon's grandfather suggested they sit and take a break for a few minutes.

Simon's grandfather pulled out some water and snacks from the pack. They sat down and Simon said, "Do you think we will really find the treasure?"

"I don't doubt that we will. After all these years, we deserve to find it. You deserve to find it for being such a smart and wonderful boy." his grandfather beamed with pride and happiness on his face.

"What about Uncle Martin?" said Simon.

Grandpa said, "He isn't as smart as you. He probably has no idea where the treasure is."

Simon said, "What if he and my mom figured it out yesterday? They could have come here when were driving around, taken the treasure, and left."

"I know your mother and I have our differences, but she really isn't a bad person." said Grandpa.

"Touching." came a voice from behind the bushes. "Too bad my sister will never know you cared so much, you filthy pirate."

Simon and his grandfather whipped their heads around to see Uncle Martin standing there with a gun pointed right at Simon who was holding the bible. "Give me the book, boy." said Uncle Martin.

"No!" said Simon.

Uncle Martin snarled, "You think you can talk to me like that, boy? You think you're brave? How brave will you be when you're dead?"

Uncle Martin raised the gun higher, pointed directly at Simon's head. Grandpa grabbed the shovel and raised it over his head and yelled, "NO! You evil bas-"

"BANG!"

A gunshot rang out and Simon's grandfather fell backwards and tumbled into the river and floated downstream.

"Noooo!" cried Simon as he dropped the book and ran to the river's edge. "You killed him. You killed my Grandpa!"

Simon was sobbing.

Uncle Martin looked at him and said, "And I will kill you too if you don't do exactly what I say. Now pick up the bible and read the inscription on the front."

Simon, looking distraught and confused read,

To my cousin,

You were always my favorite. I liked you more than my own son. I am leaving you this book because I know you will follow the path that God has laid out for you in this book. When you come to the end of your journey, let these words guide you to the highest peak. You should be able to overcome the largest obstacle in your path. I know in the end, you will find your eternal rewards.

Martin Aaronson.

"Tell me, boy, what does that mean? You're so smart. Figure it out." said Uncle Martin.

Simon looked at the words and then thought about it a bit. He looked around, hoping that he could find the answer or, at least, a way out of here. As he looked, he looked at large rock outcrop on the other side of the river. There was dense thicket on all sides over here other than the direction that was blocked by Uncle Martin. The only way to get out of here would be to cross the river and climb the wall. Then it occurred to him and he thought out loud, "The wall. The wall would be the biggest obstacle around, so we have to overcome it... to the highest peak."

Uncle Martin grabbed the pack from the ground and opened it. Inside, he found a rope. He tied one end around a tree and the other end around his nephew. He gestured to the river with the gun and said, "You first."

Simon waded into the river. As he felt the current pull, he couldn't help feel that his grandfather must be well downstream by now, as new tears streamed down his face. Simon reached the other side, standing precariously on a wet rock at the base of the wall, and waited for his uncle to exit the river. Uncle Martin reached the wall and had to put his gun in his belt to hold onto the rock face. He told Simon to start climbing and look for a way inside the wall.

Simon didn't see any entrance to the cliff. He managed to reach the top. His uncle, who was still holding the rock face, ordered him to loop the rope around a tree and hold it tight so that he could climb up. Simon did as he was told. As Uncle Martin struggled over the top, Simon was looking around. He noticed a large flat boulder on the ground. His Uncle saw him looking at it, and told Simon to get a long branch so they could lever the rock out of the way. Again, Simon did as he was told. For the first time in his life, Simon was doing as he was told and all it took was the very real threat of losing his life.

Uncle Martin grabbed the branch and pried the stone out of the way to reveal a small hole going straight down. Simon knew what came next. He walked towards the hole in the ground and looked in. He couldn't see the bottom, but it couldn't be that deep because of how close to the river it was. He lowered himself down with the rope to the bottom and before him was a large open cave. He called his Uncle down and told him to bring the backpack.

Simon opened the pack and retrieved a flashlight. With the rope still tied around his waist and he began to walk into the darkness. After a few seconds, his eyes got used to the dark space. He could see water glistening off the walls and something large in the far corner of the cave. He pointed the flashlight in that direction and started to walk towards whatever it was. When he got close enough to light up the whole thing, the chest could easily be made out. The tarnished brass still reflected the dim yellow light of the flashlight. As he started to walk even closer, he felt the rope tug him to a halt. "That's far enough." said Uncle Martin. "I think I can take it from here. In fact, I think I'm pretty much done with you. I don't see that there is any need to let you, a filthy pirate offspring, live any longer."

Uncle Martin drew his gun from his belt and raised it to point directly at Simon's chest. Simon closed his eyes, fully expecting to see his dead grandfather in a moment. The silence was deafening.

All of a sudden, there was a loud scream and a thud. Something had happened. He opened his eyes to find a bright light shining in his face. "Was this it? Was this the light?" he thought. "No, that is someone pointing a flashlight in his eyes."

He couldn't see who it was. Who ever it was had saved him, so he called, "You save me. Who are you?"

The other light was lowered allowing Simon to see the dark silhouette of two pirates. Two of the Assembly members must have managed to make it down the river. "Who are you?" he called again.

"Don't you recognize your own father, Simon?" called his father's voice.

"But how?" said Simon.

"We found the AORP driving around in the van." said his mother's voice.

"MOM?!?" exclaimed Simon.

"Yes. Mom. As I was saying, your father convinced them that we only wanted to save you and keep my brother from the treasure."

"But, mom? How?" said Simon, quite confused.

Simon's father said, "There will be plenty of time for that later. Let's get out of this cave."

"But the treasure?" cried Simon.

"The treasure will still be here later. You must be soaked and freezing from crossing that river. Come on." said Simon's mother with a compassion that he never knew his mother had.

Simon ran forward to his parents and got the hug of his lifetime. Simon's mother went up the rope first, followed by Simon, and then his father. Uncle Martin was unconscious in the cave and Simon's parents decided to leave him there until they got Simon to safety on the other side of the river. They made their way back across and sat on the other side for a minute. After Simon caught his breath, he said, "Grandpa? He? He was shot and he fell into the river." as he was choking back tears.

Simon's father was taken aback by this news. He started to say something, but then he heard a, "Hrumpf!" As he looked up, he saw Martin standing at the top of the cliff with his gun.

Uncle Martin started, "You people are pathetic. Even my own sister has become a filthy pirate. I hope being a pirate was worth the lives of you and your family."

He raised his gun to kill the huddling trio. As he was about to pull the trigger, there was the loud clang of a shovel hitting Uncle Martin across the back. He fell off the rock wall, into the shallow river and was carried away by the current downstream. Looking confused, the family looked up at their savior. Standing there, in all his pirate finery was Grandpa Ring leaning heavily on his shovel. There was a large bloody spot on his shoulder indicating the place where he got shot. He yelled down to his family, "Sorry I'm late. It took me a while to make my way back around the rocky side of the river. Come back across and let's get the treasure."

The proceeded back across the river and down into the cave. They hauled up the treasure. Simon's mother and father carried the trunk, while Simon helped his grandfather back to the car. His mother and grandfather apologized to each other profusely and never had an issue ever again. Simon gave a presentation to his entire school, much to the dismay of the principle and his teachers, in full pirate get-up. He even went so far as to get all his pirate friends, including both of his parents, to come in to the school on presentation day in their gear. In the end, though, Simon finally learned some restraint and discipline while staring down the barrel of his uncle's gun.

Random Thoughts: Happy International Talk Like A Pirate Day

May all your pirate celebrations be full of pillaging and plundering. May you have the weather helm. May you make it round The Horn with calm seas and a carrying wind.

Random Thoughts: Piss like an f'in race horse.

Today I was trying to get something started which required a lot of waiting. As such, I was pushing off all important biological functions that occur when one drinks copious amounts of caffeinated liquid. As I reached a state of being unable to hold it anymore, a thought came into my head, "Man, I have to piss like an f'in race horse."

Nothing all that unusual. I did, after all, really have to "go". As I walked to the Men's Room, I began to think... What is it about an f'in race horse is it that relates to having to pee. Is there something about a race horse that makes him have bladder control issues when he is f'in? Maybe it's just the fact that he is a race horse. After all, all that hard running has to have some effect, so urinal incontinence isn't all that unusual. Maybe its' just that it is a horse. I mean, given the size of their "junk", I'm sure a horse's urethra is huge.

Really makes you think....